Meeting the parents

Terrified of your first encounter with your new man's parents? Fear not, Etiquette for Girls, written by Fleur Britten and published by Debrett's, tells you how to navigate potential in-law territory, make him proud and leave them all gushing about 'what a lovely young lady you are'

It's quite a gesture on his part and one that might suggest some commitment. Not only that, but here's an opportunity to gauge your boyfriend's prospective hairline count by seeing his father's. Of course, you'll be assessed for suitability to continue the family bloodline. Just display some proto-mothering skills in the kitchen and the rest only calls for a good balance between being yourself and best behaviour.

Sniff out background information in advance. Are they strict or relaxed? Will it be lunch for 20 on the verandah and dinner in tails, or TV dinners and hourly altercations? Any no-go conversational topics (e.g. neighbours from hell, black sheep) and any specialist subjects?

Rather boringly, it's best to dress on the conservative side. Present yourself as a fine, upstanding young lady, and lure them in with elegant presentation. Overdressing is un-relaxing for you and intimidating to them, while any scruffy or ripped clothes will prompt 'youth of today' accusations. Packing both smart and casual outfits should cover you for all eventualities.

It's handshakes and Mr/Mrs to you until invited otherwise. Remember, their rulebook is older than yours. Failing to take a present is an oversight by their book and a wasted chance for brownie points. Nothing too adventurous, so a plant and a decent bottle of wine will suffice; be more original if you dare.

You may detect hostility from the mother for threatening to take away her boy, but ignore awkward passive aggression and be the pro-houseguest. Step up interpersonal skills and table manners, and affect total disinterest in your mobile. Mucking in is imperative and serves as a good icebreaker. Take the initiative with basic chores, so don't offer to wash up, just do it. Never try to compete with the mother - let her rule her domestic roost.

Resist all inclinations to lean on your boyfriend, but follow his lead. Observe how relaxed he is and then step up the formality slightly. What might be normal for him (e.g. swearing, eating from the fridge) isn't for you.
Getting more drunk than the parents could raise an eyebrow or two, while angry hangovers are never the mark of a girl good enough for their boy. That said, a little sherry tipsiness all round can be a bonding moment, but beware of the situational overdose and refrain from any entwinement with your boyfriend; keep that rulebook forever in your sights.

Well-informed conversation with a bite of opinion is the ticket. Modestly promote yourself; you have interesting friends, brilliant parents, a great career. Avoid controversy but, if someone else brings it up, gently embrace it.

Debate with reason, but don't take parents to task. Never gang up on your boyfriend to get other family members on side and note that gushing compliments will ring out as creepy and insincere. Never whinge about the injustices of your life.

If you are sharing a bedroom with your boyfriend, be super-discreet. If in separate rooms, your boyfriend should do the bed-hopping. Only he can steal down unlit corridors and avoid creaking floorboards and alarm systems; only he should face the music if caught.

Afterwards, write a thank you letter within a week. When debriefing with your boyfriend, note double standards. He's allowed to criticise his parents, but you are not.

Hold your horses before taking him home to your parents. If you're uneasy about calling him 'your boyfriend', then it's too soon. He'll be scared off, while your parents will sense the strain and may wrongly disapprove of him.

Warn him of any family oddities or off-limits behaviour. Prime him on their pet hates and weak spots and ask your parents to leave all the ugly-duckling evidence in the closet.

Take the lead, but let him assert his own presence and personality. Don't tease him, embarrass him or dent his male pride. Offer some guidance and keep an eye out for pitfalls. Remember, the spotlight is on him and, for most of us, that's not much fun.

Extract from Debrett's Etiquette for Girls, written by Fleur Britten, from an idea created by editors Jo Aitchison and Eleanor Mathieson (Debrett's £17.99).